Stupid People JokesStupid People Jokes
"Man! I just ran 10 laps because I must stay in shape and in good health. Yes!one cigarette left, gotta light?"
Once there were 3 men named Yellow,White, and Red.
One day Yellow went hunting and came back with a skunk, White asked him "how did you find that skunk?" and Yellow replied, "I followed some tracks", Then White went hunting and came back with a raccoon and Red asked him "How did you get that raccoon?" and White replied " I followed some tracks" then Red went hunting and came back with bruises and scratches all over him, Yellow asked him, " how did that happen?" and Red replied, "I followed some tracks,and got hit by a train".
There was 3 people an american, an Italian, and a Polish guy. They were all alone on a deserted island. All of a sudden they found a lamp and rubbed it and a genie popped out. He said before I kill you and turn your skin into a boat you can have one wish. The american guy asked for a knife,slit his throat and died then he turned him into a boat. The Italian guy did the same, and he got turned into a boat also. The Polish guy asked for a fork, so the genie said well ok. He give him the fork and he starts t6o puncture holes in him self. The he said i hope your damn boat sinks.
A Farmer's wife gave birth to twin sons. Whenever the
two were side-by-side, they would always look opposite
directions, thus they were named "Forward" and "Away".
A few years later, the Farmer took his two sons fishing,
and never returned. Two months later, the wife, (who had
given up all hope of recovering her husband), was walking
down the beach. She saw her husband pacing along in shallow
water, and walked up to him. "It's a sad story," he began,
"Forward caught a huge fish which gave his line a tug,
and pulled him in." The shocked wife replied, "That's
terrible!" "Yes," answered the farmer, "but you should have
seen the one that got away!"
There was this cop that decided to wait outside of a local bar one night because that was were alot of drunk guys come out of at night to drive home. Well it was closing time and the cop noticed this one guy who came stubbling out and almost fell on the curb. The drunk tried to unlock five cars before he finally found his. The cop thought he would have one here and by this time everyone in the bar as left. When the drunk pulled out the cop pulled him over and said "sir, get out of the car cause ur under arrest for DUI" the cop made the drunk blow a breathalizer test and the results were 0.0. The cop said how can this be and the drunk guy said "Because I'm the disginated decoy!!"
As we all know, April1st is that day we traditionally play practical jokes on each other. But, as we also know, when noon comes, the jokes end.
Last April1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM. Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, "33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Well there was only 1 bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break.
At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.
how many stuped people dose it take to change a light bulb?
14, 1 to hold the bulb and 13 to turn him round and round!
Two drunk men were out bird-hunting.Suddenly,one of
them said,"Hey!I see two birds!"
"Well,shoot it then,"said the other man.
"But which one do I shoot?"
"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said,handing
him the bottle.
"Hey!Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.
"Good.Shoot the one in the middle."
Their were to guys they wanted to get across the desert but thry needed a camal so they went to the camal deler and he said you need to water this camal in the middle of the desert they said "ok"and they left so they got to the middle if the desert there was no water so one guy said lets splitte up and come back in about 2hour so they did and they came back and one guy found water but they notic that the camal was laying down so they decided to grag it to the water. They got it their but it wouldent drink so they put his head in the water to see if he would drink but he wouldn't. Then one guy said "you put his head in the water and I'll suck from the other end " they did this for a wile then the guy in the front asked ,"how is it back there" the guy in the back said " you could hold his head up a little I ant geting nothing but mud back here.
Read the following :
MR Not Fish
Whaleoilbeefhokked, MR Fish
The following conversation was between two Newfoundlanders,
it says the following.
Em are fish
Em are not fish
Oh yes they are, see the eady beaty eyes ?
Well I'll be fu**ed, em are fish.
man sees a gorilla in his tree calls the cops they say its the gorilla that escaped from the zoo we will send somebody out few minutes later a zoo truck pulls up a man gets out with a dog,a set of handcuffs and a shotgun
zoo man asks for the homeowners help homeowners asks what he has to do zoo man say "i will climb up in the tree and knock the gorilla to the ground, the dog will run up and bite him in the crouch and then you handcuff him homeowner says "whats the shotgun for?" zoo man says "in case that gorilla knocks me out of the tree, shoot that damn dog"
A man decides to go ice-fishing one day. He takes a large auger with him, finds the right spot, and starts drilling. When the hole is almost complete a mystical voice thunders "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!". The man falls to his knees, looks in every direction, but sees nothing. However, just to be on the safe side he travels about 50 feet and starts a second hole. But just as he is completing the hole the same voice thunders "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!". Astounded, the man looks all about him, and moves on to make a third hole. Just as he is completing the third hole the same voice thunders "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE. THIS IS THE ARENA MANAGER".
I was driving my car and I saw a sign that said Don't even think about parking here. So, I parked there without even thinking.
there was these three guys and they were lost in the desert while walking they came across a genie well the genie told them he would grant them each a wish well the first guy said i wish i was sitting in the bar with my friends right now(poof he was gone) the second guy wished he was back home with his wife and kids(poof he was gone.well the last guy thought to him self and he said gee i'm sorta lonely with out my friends i wish they were here with me (poof the were back).
A man went to a CD store and bought a LOT of CD's. When he came back home his wife asked him, "Why do you buy CD's if you dont even have a CD player?"
He answered, "Why do you buy bras?"
Last summer, the circus came to town. And with it, they had a clown. He had a very interesting act....as he also played the harp.
That evening, the ringmaster wanted the clown to play the harp on the high-wire as it had never been done before. The clown practised all day and when 8pm came, he was ready. He slung his portable harp over his shoulder and climbed the tower to the high-wire. There he grabbed the pole and proceeded to walk the wire. Once he was halfway out, he was going to sit down and play his harp to the crowd below. When he got about 5 feet from the middle, a string on his harp broke and one of the ends dug into his back causing him some agonizing pain. He reached back with his right hand to move the string and tumbled to his death.
You know, it's sad when a clown dies from a broken harp.
The announcement of the Professor's new Book on Astrophysics and his wife's new baby appeared simultaneously in the newspaper. Upon being congratulated on the 'proud event in the family',the Professor naturally thought of the achievement that cost him the greater effort.
"Thank you," he replied modestly, "but I could't have done it without the help of my two grauate students".
An old man lay in the bed dying.As he lay there he smelled
his favorite cookies baking. Chocolate chip.
So he rolled out of bed, crawled to the landing and fell down the
stairs. He crawled gasping for breath to the kitchen and reach on the
table for the cookie. He almost had it when his wife came in
she smacked his hand away from the cookie. "WWhy dddid you ddo that ?
he gasped. She replied" they are for the funeral tomorrow.
One day a brunette was walking along a railroad track saying "41, 41, 41, 41". Then a blonde walks by and says to herself " Oh, that looks likes fun!!" So she joins the brunette in saying "41,41,41" etc. Then a train comes and the brunette immediately jupms off the tracks. Then she jumps back on the tracks saying"42,42,42."
Back in the 1970's, a set of triplets was born.....Tic, Tac, and Toe. They suffered from a rare medical disorder...a hiccupping disease. Tic and Tac had a mild case but Toe's was quite severe. Unfortunately, the disease was incurable.
The three were as different as night and day and in-between. Tic always dreamed of being a well-known race car driver, Tac wanted to become a great football player and Toe wanted to be a famous rock and roll musician.
One day, while exploring a cave, they heard a cry for help. Following the sound, they came upon a bat whose wing was snagged between 2 rocks. The three brothers carefully released the bat.
Then, the bat spoke (for it was a magical bat), "Thank. you for your kindness. Ask of me, one wish each, and I shall grant it."
Tic (the aspiring car racer), "I wish to be a well-known..."hic"...car driver." And POOF !!...he became Mario Andretti.
Tac (the want to be football player), "I wish to be a great..."hic"...football player." And POOF !!...he became Joe Montana.
Toe (the one who wished to be a famous rock and roll musician), "I wish to ..."hic"..be a .."hic"...famous rock..."hic"..."hic"..."hic". And POOF!!...he became the Rock of Gibraltar.
OKAY,Once there was this girl.She had 3 boyfriends.
So one day her father went to work.he goes,"se ya later honey bunny"."bye dad",she replied.anyways.when he left,her 1st boyfriend came."lets go see a movie",he said.before she could do anything,the doorbell rang,oh man,quick its my father go hide in my closet!so he did
okay 2nd boyfriend comes in.he goes,lets go to the fair,before she could say okay,the doorbell rang.okay? so she goes,QUICK!thats my father ! go hide in the closet...in my bathroom.anyways,he did.
so then the 3rd boyfriend walks in.so the doorbell rings.THATS TOTALLY MY DAD! GO HIDE IN THE TUB!!!! so he did.the dad walks in and saus,forgot my keys.he grabs his keys off the table.gotta go bye.so he runs outta the d00r.
the 2nd and 3rd boyfriends come out.they asked what happened.she explained.but then she realized her 1st boyfriend wasnt there.where he wuz you ask?he was in the girls closet chewing on a rolled up bloody tampon,thinking to himself,mmmm...good jelly roll.
A guy walked into a mirror store to buy himself a mirror. The clerk came up to him and asked him "can I help you?" The guy answered "yes, I'd like to buy a mirror for my apartament" so the cerk suggested a couple of mirrors to the guy but he just took a glance in the mirror and always replied "no". The clerk asked "is there any special type you are looking for?" the guy again ansewred "no" and the clerk went back to showing him different types of mirrors. But after a while of the same routine where the guy would look into the mirror and answer no, the clerk got fed up with him and asked "is there a specific default in the mirror that you don't like?"
to which the guy reluctantly answered,"well,no, it's just that they all make me look so ugly."
A man is in a retirement home, and he walks downstairs,
and is very sad. An old woman comes up to him and
asks," what is wrong?" He says, "my dick died today".
The old woman says, "I'm sorry".The next day he comes
with his dick hanging out, the old woman goes," I
thought you said it died!" "it did, today is the viewing."
One day in this bakery there was a man that could only say Blah Blah. So one day this lady came and asked "how much is the bread?" and he replied Blah Blah. So that night the manager told him to say 25 cents. The next day the lady came back and said how much is the bread and he replied 25 cents and then she asked is it fresh and he said 25 cents. That night the manager told him to say fresh fresh very fresh. When the lady came back she asked how much is the bread? and he said 25 cents then she asked is it fresh? and he said fresh fresh very fresh. She asked him if she should buy it and he said Blah Blah. So that night the manager told him to say if you don't nobody else will. So then the lady came back the next day and asked how much is your bread? and he said 25 cents. Then she ask is it fresh? and he replied fresh fresh very fresh and then she ask if she should buy it and he said if you don't nobody else will. So she bought the bread. That night a robber came and asked hime how much you got in that cash box and he said 25 cents. Then he said are you being fresh with me Fresh fresh very fresh. Should I kill you asked the robber if you don't nobody else will. So the robber shot him in the head!!!!!!!!!
Things not to say when having sex: Can I pay with VISA ??
Why Did The Idiot Break Into Two Windows?
One To Go In And The Other To Go Out.
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said "hello master, i will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish your wife gets double". The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish he said, "Genie i want a house in Hawaii". POOF!!! HE got one house, and his wife got 2. This didn't make him very happy, but he made his second wish. "Genie, i want 1 billion dollars". PPOF!!!He got 1 billion dollars, and his wife got 2 billion. By now, this guy isn't happy. The genie says, "You have 1 wish left, but let me remind you that whatever you wish for, your wife gets double". So the guys says, "yeah i know". So the guy thinks real hard and says, "i got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
You know you are stupid when you are trying to make fun of a blonde and you sound stupider than the blonde.
There was a nun, a priest and a camel walking in the desert when all of a sudden the camel dropped to the ground. The nun asked the preacher what they should do. The preacher said "if you take off your clothes i'll show you." because being a preacher, he had never seen a naked woman. so she did as she was told. Then the nun told the preacher to take off his pants because she had never seen a naked man in being a nun. So he took them off. When the nun saw his penis she said "what's that?" the preacher replied "this brings people to life with pleasure." then the nun said "well stick it in the camel, and let's get the hell out of here!"
Q How many stupid people does it take to change a lightbulb
A 100, 1 to hold the lightbulb and 99 to turn the house round
Mike: "We have a rooster on our farm who thinks he's a chicken."
Corky: "What are you going to do with him?"
Mike: "Nothing. We need the eggs."
Sid (The Sheep Farmer)
Sid, a local sheep farmer, was said to be worth millions. As a result, he was constantly "plagued" by people trying to sell him things.
Last summer, an old man stopped at his farm, claiming he had the first sheep shears ever brought to North America. Said it had been in his family for years. He managed to sell it to Sid for $500. Two weeks later, Sid saw the words "made in Japan" etched on one of the blades.
Only last month, Sid was convinced to buy an English sheep-dog which the owner claimed was in perfect health and the best sheep-herder in the country. The dog died 3 days later from prolonged cancer.
Then, last Tuesday, a man knocked on Sid's door claiming to be a member of the World Sheep Association. He wanted Sid to enter his finest sheep in a competition to be held the next day. The winner was to receive $1,000. The man offered to transport the sheep into town and would bring them back on Thursday. Sid agreed.......and never saw his sheep again.
On Friday morning, Sid posted a sign at the entrance to his farm..."Next Salesman Will Be Shot". A friend asked him why he posted such a sign. Sid replied, "I've been a sheep farmer for years, shearing sheep since I was a little boy. But I'm gonna shoot the next person who tries to fleece me."
Two eskimoes were out on the ice that froze on top the
water. They were getting ready to hunt so they made a
tent. While both were inside the tent one of the eskimoes
peeked out of the opening of the tent because he thought
he heard something, while looking he saw a big polar bear
heading right for them. The first eskimoe told the other
eskimoe about the polar bear and both got scared. The
first eskimoe grabbed a gun that he brought, the other put on running shoes. The
on running shoes. "You idiot! Do you think that you need
you can outrun the bear?!" said the first guy. " No."said the second guy "I just
three strings walk into a bar and one string goes to a bar and says give me a beer and the tender says I can't your a string then the second string goses up to the bar and asks for a beer ans the tender says I can't your a string. then the two strings tell the other string what happened so he ties a knot in him and frays it then He goes to the bar and asks for a beer then the tender says I cant your a string and then the string says " I'm afraid not"
Three guys are going to be executed, and they get to pick how they want to die. The first guy says he wants to be hung. So they hung him. The second guy says he wants to get his head chopped off by a geateat. So they chopped his head off. the third guy said he wanted to get injected with the aids virus. So they injected him with it and he started laughing. The exacuter said why are you laughing aids are very bad. So the man said come on do it agian. So he does it agian and the man starts laughing do it agian i dare you said the man. So he did it. And the man was laughing so hard ok whats so funny said the exacuter and the man said THE JOKES ON YOU I'M WARING A CONDOM.
There was a sea captain and a pirate sitting in a bar and they were chatting and the sea captian noticed the pirate had a peg leg,a hook on his hand, and a patch over his eye. The captain goes well i got a couple of questions for you.ok said the pirate.so the captain said how did you get your peg leg. the pirate replies i fell over board and just as i was getting back in the boat a shark bit it off.WOW said the captain and your hook how did you get it. me and my crew boarded an enemy ship and we were sword fighting and an enemy cut it off.WOW thats even worse.out of all that how did you get that patch.a seegual crapped in my eye.a bird did that.no it was wy first day with the hook.
there were 5 people on an airplane there was the pope, president clinton,the smartest man in the world, the dumbest,and just an average joe. u see the plane was going down and the were only four parachutes. the pope said "Im the pope" and he jumped out.The presidentsaid"Im the president of the united states I need to live" and so he jumps out. then the smartest man in the world says "man i need to live I have a life ahead of me " so he jumped out. THen the average Joe said" you what this sucks we cant deside which one of us is going to live" .then the stupid guy said"well I dont think theres going to be a problem,the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my napsack".
A scientist was doing an experiment with frogs.
He took a frog and placed it on a long flat surface.
He then flicked at the frog and said jump.
The frog jumped.
The scientist wrote in a journal frog 4 legs, jump 12 in. He then proceeded to cut off one leg.
Once again he flicked at the frog and said jump.
The frog jumped.
he wrote in his journal, frog 3 legs jump 9 in.
Again, He cut off a leg, then told the frog to jump.
The frog jumped.
He wrote in his journal, frog 2 legs jump 6 in.
The scientist cut off another leg.
Then proceeded to tell the frog to jump.
The frog jumped.
He wrote in his journal, frog 1 leg jump 3 in.
He cut off the last leg and told the frog to jump.
Jump, Jump said the scientist.
He then wrote in his journal frog no legs, deaf!
The baseball season is fast approaching and the Mudville Sliders decided to call a press conference. During that meeting, I overheard some unusual comments:
Andy ( writer for Sam's Sports Page): "Will you have the same team as last year, considering you only won 42 games?"
Josh (Mudville Manager): "We plan to make a few changes but it has nothing to do with our win/loss record. Thinking of getting rid of one of our pitchers, our right-fielder and our 1st baseman."
Andy: "That's quite a few. Could you please tell our readers the reason for these changes?"
Josh: "Well, it's simple. We can't afford to tarnish the team's reputation. The pitcher hit one of the other team's batters in each of the last 8 games. He never was provoked. The 1st baseman got caught stealing 3rd base five times last season. What will people think? As for the right-fielder, I might give him a second chance; but all he could really catch last year, was a cold."
There was this guy who had never met his girlfriends parents, so his girlfriend then set a date for him to come over and have a nice dinner party so he could meet her parents. He agreed, never told her that he had a gas problem. Well, it was that night and he totally felt like crap. His stomach hurt and he was full of gas. They were all sitting at the table and all of a sudden he let out a little fart. "Spot", yelled her mother. Oh, wasn't this guy relieved that they thought it was their family dog. Well, he had to fart again, so he did. A big loud one this time. "Spot", she yelled again. The man thought, well since they are going to blame it on the dog I will just let out one more. Slightly bigger then the last two. So he did and her mother said "Spot, this is the last time I am going to holler at you. You get your butt over here right now before he craps on you"
A guy walks into an airplane and sits down. Before the take off, the speaker "says" close your seat belts. thats what the guy did. the airplane landed and the speaker "said" unlock your seat belts. so that what the guy did. everybody is getting off, and the guy came out with his pants down.
a policeman been married for 15 years happly so he though untill he came home from work to find his wife in bed with an irish man so since then he hates irishmen one day this policeman was doing random breath tests when he pulled over a car he said to the driver have you had anything to drink tonight sir? the driver replyed no officer the policeman noticed the irish accent and then told the driver to step out of the car he then drew a big circle on the road and told the irishman what ever you do dont step outside this circle or i'll have you the policeman goes to the front of the car draws out his nitestick and begins to smash his headlights he turns to look at the irishman to see him laughing so he then goes to the rear of the car and begins to smash his tail lights he turns to look at the irishman to see him rolling on the floor laughing so the policeman goes to the side of the road picks up the biggest rock he can find and throws it through the windscreen he looks at the irishman to see him wetting himself with laughter confused the policeman goes up to the irishman and says look mate i've just smashed your car and all you can do is laugh at me what is your problem the irishman replied yes but while you were'nt looking i was jumping in and out if the circle
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"
The flight attendent said, "I''m sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
As we all know, April 1st is that day we traditionally play practical jokes on each other. But, as we also know, when noon comes, the jokes end.
Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM. Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, "33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Well there was only 1 bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break.
At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.
One day a man and his wife decided to buy a boat. They bought themselves a nice yaught. Every turn they made was as sluggish as a snail. So one day they decided to check out what some men thought what was wrong. They checked the boat out. Then they decided to go under the boat, when the man came back up he was choking on water. He laughted so hard he could barley breath. Then out loud while laughing He said "you know your have to take the trailer off before your boat gets in the water!!!!"
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need
to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you DON'T know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I
politely wrong numbersaid, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number
and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I
hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I
decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled
"You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word
"jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd
yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the
phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I
would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed
his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the
sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone
down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
[ keep reading, it gets better ]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to
move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a
little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's
finally leaving. All of a sudden this Black Camaro flying up the parking isle
in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and
yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed
out of his Camaro Completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he
didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a
lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the
back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another
place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's
really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed
the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought
I better call this guy too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said,
"Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell
me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow
house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a
while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had
two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and
hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the
some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone 8dial
Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a
jackass!", but I didn't hang
up. The Jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said,
"Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out
front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right over, Jackass!" and I hung
up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover soon as he got
home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W.
34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street
to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap
out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of
the greatest experiences of my life! You can see the live footage on the 6:00
One time there were these people who thought they were funny so they posted a joke on this page. It turned out that their joke sucked.
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree. The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
How do you get to Beaverlodge?
Follow the explosions!!