Men and Women JokesMen and Women Jokes
John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at
a party about 3 months
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you
took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back
seat. You told me I
was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha,
pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're
out of the house by noon!"
One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a
slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second
which was followed by a man walking solemnly along,
followed by a
dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second
hearse and asked him who was
in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.The
replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the
I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
At the 1997 World Women's
Conference the first speaker from England
stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being
assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I
went home and
told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and
that he would
have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw
that he had
cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last years' conference I went home and told my
husband that I
would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do
himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not
own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up:
"After last years' conference I went home and told my
husband that I
would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to
himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit
out of my
A young single guy is on a
cruise ship, having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an
begins to sink.
Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning
guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using
ounce of strength, swims a
few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he
head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely
She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking
makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth
manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him,
and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees,
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong?
anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind,
putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt
puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel
better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little
your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge
of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He
in the other direction. They meet up half way around the
few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the
and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm
A little kid comes running into
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make
This day holds a lot of meaning
for me. It was on this
day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I'll never forget that game of cards...
An escaped convict broke into a
house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his
wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and
this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with
it and pretend
you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so
relieved you feel
that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a
A guy goes to buy a train
ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to
Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two
tickets to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all
Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at
breakfast table I
meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar',
but I accidentally
said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
A guy goes over to his friend's
house, rings the bell, and the wife
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred
bucks if I
could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the
hell - a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He
promptly thanks her and
throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says,
"They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them.
I'll give you
another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws
bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You
weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he
drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?"
Three guys are applying for a
job with the CIA. They get all the
way to the final test.
So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits
The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol.
He lays it
on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is
test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and
into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in
Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,
way." So the director says, "You fail."
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same
Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back
minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go
through with it. The director says, "You fail."
So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to
room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot
ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy
in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes,
happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I
that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke the
A husband and wife went to the
fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but
the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went
on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was
thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and
you didn't wave once!"
A woman accompanied her husband
to the doctor's office.
After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said,
"Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress
and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a
good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If
you don't do the following four things, your husband will
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
off to work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
him with household chores."
"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and
stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife
asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure
serious. What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Seems God was just about done
creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things
left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give
away was the ability to stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the
couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that
to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort
of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please,
let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm
working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just
let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who
you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
please.........." On and on he went like an excited little
boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She
told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it
sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him
happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam
were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over
"And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple
A husband and wife were having
difficulty surviving financially
so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an
extra source of income.
The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed
her he would be at the side of the building if she had any
questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much
to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran
around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told
her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the
client at which he cried, "That was too much!"
asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a
minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and
informed the client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to
his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing
the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around
the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
A woman goes into a funeral home
to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells
the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a
dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the
black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a
blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in
the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She
tells the director how much she
loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as
you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a
blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size,
and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband
were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So... I switched the heads."
Father, mother and son decide
to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing
lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the
elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its
willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long
His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That, son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
A short embarrassed silence after which she replies,
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not
being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same
question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in
desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask
son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
A man comes home from work and
finds his wife admiring
her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I
the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50
year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
God creates Adam, and soon Adam
is complaining that he's all
alone in the Garden of Eden.
So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a
beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will
be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never
ever complain or argue."
Adam says, "That sounds great."
God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm
and a leg."
Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for
Georgie is walking down the
street after a sex-change operation has
transformed him into a beautiful women. An old friend
and says, "Georgie, you look great...you're
Georgie says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt."
His friend says, "When they cut open your chest and
put in those
Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."
His friend says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out
Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."
His friend says, "Then what did hurt?"
Georgie says, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole
in my head
and sucked out half my brain."
There was a married couple who
were in a terrible accident. The
woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told
the husband they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she
was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin.....
however, the only place
suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this,
all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than
she ever did
before! All her friends and relatives just raved about
She was alone with her husband one day and she
wanted to thank him for
what he had done. She said, "Dear, I just want to
thank you for
everything you did for me! There is no way I could
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty
thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your
It's a beautiful warm spring day
and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
in front of a
very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
excited at the
pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play
along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that
she let one
her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to
bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips
to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now,
tell HIM you
have a headache."
Guy takes his wife to the
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or
"What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell
what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of
and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
There is a man who has three
girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one
how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure,
works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could
pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.
bought these gifts for you with the money because I
love you so
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest
money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the
the money, and decided to marry the one with the
A woman whose husband often came
home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and
behind a tree to intercept him
on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and
before him with her red
horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married
A young couple was invited to a
swanky masked Halloween party. The
wife came down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to
the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to
miss the fun.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened
and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she
some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when
she was not
around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on
the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he
copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His
wife sidled up
to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action."
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went
home and put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked
him what he
had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a
good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys,
so we went
into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell
guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"
A man came home from work
sporting two black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was
riding up in an
escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that
her skirt was
stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she
and punched me in the eye!"
"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But
how did you get
the second black eye?"
"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the
husband, "So I pushed
it back in."
A young couple are on their way
to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl
said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the
reason that they have not been too intimate is because she
is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding,
it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while,
and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the
most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the
road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also
wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is
just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the
marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for
a while and said that she does not mind, and she also
believed there are other things far more important than sex
in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They
went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night,
the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard.
Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the
guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you
before we got married, why did you still faint?"
The girl said: "You told me it was
just like a baby".
The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".
A man has six children and is
very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother
of Six" in spite of
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's
time to go
home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave
as well. He
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of
irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A journalist had done a
story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women
customarily walked about
10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that
the men now walked
several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous,"
said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve
this reversal of
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
A woman with really hairy
underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she
settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes,
then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."
The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how
did you get your leg up so high?"