Men Jokes

Men Jokes

If you think there's no difference between the way men and women think, consider this exercise in which a college professor asked his class to punctuate the following sentence: "Woman without her man is nothing."

The men said: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women said: "Woman, without her, man is nothing."


A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face, and the egg was frowning, looking a bit pissed off. The egg was heard to mutter to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we know the answer to that question."


A dumb man went to the doctor's for a check-up, and his wife came along.

After the exam, the doctor called the wife aside and said, "Your husband has a very serious disease which can be aggravated by stress. You must follow a certain regimen, or else your husband will die. Each morning, fix him a big, nutritious breakfast. You must always be pleasant and do everything to keep your husband in a good mood.  Don't overwork him. Don't burden him with your problems.  Most important, make love to him daily...twice a day on weekend. If you do all this, your husband should regain his good health."

Afterward, the husband asked the wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"

She said: "The doctor says you're going to die."


Q: What did God say after creating man?

A: I can do better.


Q: Husband: Want a quickie?

A: Wife: As opposed to what?


Q: How do men sort their laundry?

A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".


A married couple went to the hospital to have their first baby. While there, a new doctor told them he'd invented a machine which could transfer the mother's labor pains to the father.  The husband thought this was a terrific idea. (Talk about dumb!)

The doctor set the machine at ten percent, explaining that even ten percent was too much for most men. But the husband felt just fine. So, the doctor turned it up to twenty per cent. Still nothing. Amazed and with some trepidation, the doctor turned the machine up a notch, to fifty percent. But the husband continued to feel just fine. Wanting to help his wife, however, who was writhing in pain, he told the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

In the end, the wife delivered a healthy baby, and the husband suffered no pain at all.

When they arrived home the next day, they found the mailman dead on the front porch.


In a small town, a man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and she whacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could.

He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he gasped, "Why did you do that?"

She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex."

He nodded his head but said nothing.

Slowly, husband and wife began to rock again. Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and he whacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could.

When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could finally speak, she asked, "What was that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."


Q: When do you care for a man's company?

A: When he owns it.


Q: Why do men get married?

A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more


Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

A: Put the remote control between his toes

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