Jewish Jokes

Jewish JokesIf they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!

Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.

Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.

Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.

Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.

If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.

You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.

If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.

You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.

Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.

One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.

For dying, you always have time.

When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.

Silence is the fence around wisdom.

The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked up the capsule. The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience." The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?" He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!" The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?" The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"

When an Orthodox Jew talks to G-d he says: "Ribono Shel Olam" (Master of the World).

When a Conservative Jew is in touch with G-d he says: "Avinu Malkeinu" (Our Father, Our King).

A Reform Jew addresses G-d as "Oh L-rd, Thou art One."

A Reconstructionist says: "To whom it may concern".

An American Paratrooper named Mike O'Brien decided to join the Israeli Air Force. Things were just too quiet in the States. He explained that he had lots of experience and was raring to go.

The following Thursday he is outfitted with a parachute and told they were going to jump over th Golan Heights. He asked, "Where is the second chute?" The officer in charge told him only one was necessary. He asked "What do I do if it doesn't open?" The officer said "you say the Shema and you have nothing to worry about". He asked the officer how to say the Shema, and he practiced it diligently.

Sure enough his first time out the chute doesn't open. He says the Shema and an enormous hand suddenly appears and catches him and gently lowers him to the ground. On his way down he is so stunned by the enormity of it all he says, "Jesus Christ!" The hand turns over and drops him out.

As we are coming up on High Holidays, it's time once again to explain the correct naming of the holiday Yom Kippur. Studies have shown that how a person pronounces this is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic status. For example, a person who own a Geo Metro or Kia normally pronounces it "Yahm Kipp' er"

A person who owns a Cadilac normally says "Yohm' KeePoor'" While the driver of the Mercedez Benz says "Merry Christmas"

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?" He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt." "How?" The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross." The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?" The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"

Two people had a dispute over a particular burial plot. Each one claimed the piece of land for himself. The men presented their arguments to the rabbi, and left the final decision up to him.After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case. Each one of you has very good arguments. Thus, I decree that whoever dies first will have the right to this burial place". From then on, they stopped fighting ...

Two Chinese men are coming out of a Jewish restaurant, and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you're hungry again"

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking inthe company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on theevening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day.Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that theydeserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen andbrought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remiond yourself how hard life canbe when you turn away from the Law." A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had darkcircles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as hehad been the week before. "Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes." "Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."

The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel." No answer.A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer from anyone. A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel. Still no answer from anyone. Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-East, INCLUDING Israel. Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help." "God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"

One cold winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop. At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?" HOME ...