Insult Jokes

• A police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
  
  
• You're so dull, if you were a Spice Girl, you'd be Amish Spice!
  
  
  
• Say to loser guy that won't leave you alone "I'm sorry, I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
  
  
• If brains were dynamite, you couldnt blow your nose
  
  
• Is that your face? Or did your neck throw up?
  
  
• Last time I saw you, you had lost some weight, looks like you found it.
  
  
• If brains were gas you would not have enough to power a motorcycle around the oustside of a dime BITCH!
  
  
• One of my teachers glasses is so thick that when she looks at a map she can see people waving.
  
  you are so dumb that you failed recess
  
  
• I would be your daddy but ya mama wasnt exceptin change!!
  
  
• He was so ugly that my car wouldnt even run him over.
  
  
• Oh my god he's so ugly the word ugly doesnt even describe it.
  
  
• A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrerro.
  
  
• A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
  
  
• A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
  
  
• A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
  
  
• After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
  
  
• All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
  
  
• All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
  
  
• Alone: In bad company.And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
  
  
• Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.
  
  
• Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
  
  
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
  
  
• Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
  
  
• Are your parents siblings?
  
  
• As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  
  
• At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
  
  
• Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
  
  
• Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
  
  
• Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
  
  
• Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!
  
  
• Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  
  
• Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
  
  
• Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
  
  
• Converse with any plankton lately?
  
• Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
  
  Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
  
  
• Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
  
  
• Did your parents have any children that lived?
  
  
• Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
  
  
• Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
  
  
• Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
  
  
• Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
  
  
• Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
  
  
• Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
  
  
• Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
  
  
• Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
  
  
• Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
  
  
• Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
  
  
• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
  
  
• Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
  
  
• Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
  
  
• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
  
  
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
  
  
• Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
  
  
• Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
  
  
• Excellent time to become a missing person.
  
  
• Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.
  
  
• For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.
  
  
• Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
  
  
• Go fart peas at the moon!!
  
  
• Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
  
  
• Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
  
  
• Has the IQ of lint.
  
  
• Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
  
  
• He can open his mail with that nose!
  
  
• He can think without moving his lips!
  
  
• He comes from a long line of real estate people -- they're a vacant lot.
  
  
• He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.
  
  
• He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
  
  
• He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
  
  
• He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!
  
  
• He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
  
  
• He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
  
  
• He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
  
  
• He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
  
  
• He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  
  
• He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
  
  
• He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.
  
  
• He is so short his hair smell like feet
  
  
• He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
  
  
• He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
  
  
• He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.
  
  
• He smells the coffee, but can't find the pot / a cup.
  
  
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  
  
• Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
  
  
• He'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.
  
  
• Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!
  
  
• Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
  
  
• He's got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.
  
  
• He's just visiting this planet.
• He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
  
  
• He's so dense that light bends around him.
  
  
• He's so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.
  
  
• He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.
  
  
• He's the first in his family born without a tail.
  
  
• He's the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.
  
  
• He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.
  
  
• Hey, act your age -- senile!
  
  
• Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
  
  
• Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
  
  
• Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
  
  
• His brainwaves fall a little short of the beach.
  
  
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• His origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under his family tree.
  
  
• His personality's split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.
  
  
• His suitcase doesn't have a handle.
  
  
• How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
  
  
• How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?
  
  
• I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!
  
  
• I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
  
  
• I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
  
  
• I bet your mother has a loud bark!
  
  
• I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
  
  
• I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim across the Columbia River and make a darker stain than that (about weak coffee.)
  
  
• I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!
  
  
• I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?
  
  
• I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
  
  
• I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
  
  
• I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
  
  
• I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
  
  
• I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
  
  
• I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
  
  
• I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.
  
  
• I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
  
  
• I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
  
  
• I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
  
  
• I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!
  
  
• I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.
  
  
• I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
  
  
• I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.
  
  
• I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
  
  
• I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
  
  
• I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
  
  
• I heard that your brother was an only child.
  
  
• I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
  
  
• I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
  
  
• I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
  
  
• I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
  
  
• I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
  
  
• I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
  
  
• I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
  
  
• I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
  
  
• I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
  
  
• I understand you, but thousands wouldn't!
  
  
• I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
  
  
• I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!
  
  
• I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
  
  
• I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?
  
  
• I worship the ground that awaits you.
  
  
• I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
  
  
• I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn't get offended.
  
  
• I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
  
  
• I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch you leave!
  
  
• I'd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.
  
  
• I'd like to have the spitting concession his grave.
  
  
• I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  
  
• I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!
  
  
• I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  
  
• I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
  
  
• I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.
  
  
• I'd slap you senseless...but I can't spare three seconds!
  
  
• If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.
  
  
• If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
  
  
• If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!
  
  
• If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
  
  
• If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.
  
  
• If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.
  
  
• If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
  
  
• If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.
  
  
• If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!
  
  
• If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
  
  
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  
  
• If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.
  
  
• If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.
  
  
• If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
  
  
• If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
  
  
• If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
  
  
• If you act like an ass, don't get insulted if people ride you.
  
  
• If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
  
  
• If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
  
  
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
  
  
• If you had another brain like the one you've got, you'd still be a half-wit.
  
  
  
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  
  
• If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.
  
  
• If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
  
  
• If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.
  
  
• Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
  
  
• I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
  
  
• I'm blonde, what's your excuse?
  
  
• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  
  
• I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
  
  
• I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
  
  
• I'm not as dumb as you look.
  
  
• In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king.
  
  
• Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
  
  
• Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?
  
  
• It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.
  
  
• I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.
  
  
• I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
  
  
• I've hated your looks from the start they gave me.
  
  
• I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.
  
  
• I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
  
  
• Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," he's practically invulnerable.
  
  
• Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
  
  
• Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
  
  
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
  
  
• Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
  
  
• Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.
  
  
• Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
  
  
• Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!
  
  
• Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
  
  
• The closest she/he'll ever get to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle.
  
  
• The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.
  
  
• The going got weird and he turned pro.
  
  
• The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
  
  
• The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
  
  
• The only thing he brought to this job was his car.
  
  
• The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact
  that someone was willing to father you.
  
  
• The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as
  much as I loathe you.
  
  
• The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
  
  
• The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.
  
  
• There are only two things I dislike about her - her face.
  
  
• There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are
  all of them.
  
  
• There is no vaccine against stupidity.
  
  
• They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's
  for people who are dead from the neck up.
  
  
• They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is
  good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
  
  
• They say space is a dangerous place . . . especially if it's between your
  ears!
  
  
• They say that travel broadens one. You must have been around the
  world.
  
  
• They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would
  have been better than none.
  
  
• They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your mother gave birth to
  you.
  
  
• They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didn't miss a tree.
  
  
  
• Thinking isn't your strong suit, is it? --from "Lost In Space"
  
  
• This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an
  unarmed man.
  
  
• Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
  
  
• We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.
  
  
• We do not complain about your shortcomings but about your long
  stayings.
  
  
• We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a
  note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."
  
  
• We know that you would give your life for us. Promises, promises!
  
  
• We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would
  you stay there?
  
  
• We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.
  
  
• We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
  
  
• Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
  
  
• What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
  
  
• Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
  
  
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