- A police officer pulled this guy over for
speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and
asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your
eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
- You're so dull, if you were a Spice Girl, you'd be
- Say to loser guy that won't leave you alone "I'm sorry,
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
- If brains were dynamite, you couldnt blow your nose
- Is that your face? Or did your neck throw up?
- Last time I saw you, you had lost some weight, looks
like you found it.
- If brains were gas you would not have enough to power a
motorcycle around the oustside of a dime BITCH!
- One of my teachers glasses is so thick that when she
looks at a map she can see people waving.
you are so dumb that you failed recess
- I would be your daddy but ya mama wasnt exceptin
- He was so ugly that my car wouldnt even run him
- Oh my god he's so ugly the word ugly doesnt even
- A demitasse would fit his head like a
- A guy with your IQ should have a low voice
- A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held
on to it.
- A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen
- After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of
abortion in cases of incest.
- All of your ancestors must number in the millions;
it's hard to believe that many people are to blame
for producing you.
- All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you
send them a penny and square the account?
- Alone: In bad company.And there he was: reigning
supreme at number two.
- Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.
- Any similarity between you and a human is purely
- Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have
given you worse advice.
- Are you always so stupid or is today a special
- Are your parents siblings?
- As an outsider, what do you think of the human
- At least you are not obnoxious like so many other
people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse
- Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed
- Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of
you. Why should I take all the credit?
- Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a
- Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case
- Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid
- Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is
- Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
- Converse with any plankton lately?
- Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
- Did your parents ever ask you to run away from
- Did your parents have any children that lived?
- Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had
enough oxygen at birth?
- Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to
poison the tea.
- Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you
want me to like you?
- Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but
then again he doesn't know the meaning of most
- Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
- Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to
- Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to
be let out alone.
- Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to
- Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my
- Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
- Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your
- Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
- Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
- Don't you realize that there are enough people to
hate in the world already without your working so
hard to give us another?
- Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to
cut it down.
- Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the
- Everyone is gifted. Some open the package
- Excellent time to become a missing person.
- Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.
- For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all
- Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only
take 10 seconds.
- Go fart peas at the moon!!
- Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your
- Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to
- Has the IQ of lint.
- Have you considered suing your brains for
- He can open his mail with that nose!
- He can think without moving his lips!
- He comes from a long line of real estate
people -- they're a vacant lot.
- He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and
- He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch
or wind his butt.
- He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he
forgot to wind it up this morning.
- He has a mind like a steel trap -- always
- He has depth, but only on the surface. Down
deep inside, he is shallow.
- He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
- He is always lost in thought --
it's unfamiliar territory.
- He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's
- He is depriving a village somewhere of an
- He is living proof that man can live without a
- He is so conceited his eyes behold each
- He is so short his hair smell like
- He is so short, when it rains he is
always the last one to know.
- He is the kind of a man that you would use
as a blueprint to build an idiot.
- He named the street he owned after his wife.
What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was
cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed
around the holidays.
- He smells the coffee, but can't find
the pot / a cup.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
- Heard your family went to a restaurant
where they serve crabs just so they could bring you
- He'd steal the straw from his mother's
- Hello - tall, dark and
- Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and
bring back some change!
- He's got that far away look. The farther
he gets, the better he looks.
- He's just visiting this planet.
- He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded
- He's so dense that light bends around
- He's so fat, he has the only car in
town with stretch marks.
- He's so short he can sit on a piece of
toilet paper and dangle his feet.
- He's the first in his family born without a
- He's the only man who, if told to screw
himself, could do it.
- He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't
- Hey, act your age --
- Hey, I heard you went to the butcher
and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked
you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on
- Hey, I remember you when you had only one
- Hi! I'm a human being! What are
- His brainwaves fall a little short of the
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only
out of morbid curiosity.
- His origins are so low, you'd have to
limbo under his family tree.
- His personality's split so many ways he
goes alone for group therapy.
- His suitcase doesn't have a handle.
- How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage
- How many years did it take you to learn how
- I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but
now I see you are not worth it!
- I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I
could only respect you if you WERE dead.
- I bet your brain feels as good as new,
seeing that you've never used it.
- I bet your mother has a loud
- I can tell you are lying. Your lips are
- I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim
across the Columbia River and make a darker stain
than that (about weak coffee.)
- I can't seem to remember you name, and
please don't help me!
- I can't talk to you right now; tell me,
where will you be in ten years?
- I could make a monkey out of you, but why
should I take all the credit?
- I don't consider you a vulture. I consider
you something a vulture would eat.
- I don't know what makes you so stupid,
but it really works!
- I don't know who you are, but whatever it
is, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
- I don't mind that you are talking so long as
you don't mind that I'm not listening.
- I don't think you are a fool. But then
what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
- I don't want you to turn the other
cheek. It's just as ugly.
- I feel sorry for you because you are so
homely but I feel even sorrier for other people
because they have to look at you.
- I hear the only place you're ever invited is
- I hear what you're saying but I just don't
- I hear you are an officer. Your rank
is - just plain rank!
- I hear you are being accepted into an
exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.
- I hear you are connected to the Police
Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
- I hear you are very kind to animals so
please give that face back to the gorilla.
- I hear you changed your mind! What did
you do with the diaper?
- I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the
- I hear you were born on April 2; a day too
- I heard that your brother was an only
- I heard you got a brain transplant and
the brain rejected you!
- I heard you went to have your head examined
but the doctors found nothing there.
- I know you are nobody's fool but maybe
someone will adopt you.
- I know you're a self-made man. It's nice
of you to take the blame!
- I know you're not as stupid as you
look. Nobody could be!
- I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like
- I like your approach, now let's see your
- I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I
told him not to act like a fool.
- I thought of you all day today. I was at the
- I understand you, but thousands
- I used to think that you were a big pain in
the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of
- I want nothing out of you but breathing,
and very little of that!
- I will defend to your death my right to my
- I wonder how many angels could dance on his
- I worship the ground that awaits
- I would ask you how old you are but I know
you can't count that high.
- I would have liked to insult you, but with
your intelligence you wouldn't get offended.
- I would like the pleasure of your
company but it only gives me displeasure.
- I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to
watch you leave!
- I'd like to give you a going-away
present...but you have to do your part.
- I'd like to have the spitting concession
- I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come
- I'd like to leave you with one thought...but
I'm not sure you have a place to put it!
- I'd like to see things from your point of
view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my
- I'd love to go out with you, but my
favorite commercial is on TV.
- I'd rather pass a kidney stone than
another night with you.
- I'd slap you senseless...but I can't spare
- If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.
- If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd
choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never
- If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my
- If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
- If I said anything to you that I should
be sorry for, I'm glad.
- If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your
- If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of
- If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd
- If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't
say hello, I'd say boo!
- If idiots could fly, this would be an
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be
- If manure were music, you'd be a brass
- If sex were fast food, you'd have an
arch over your head.
- If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be
- If we were to kill everybody who hates you,
it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
- If what you don't know can't hurt you,
she's practically invulnerable.
- If you act like an ass, don't get
insulted if people ride you.
- If you don't like my opinion of you - improve
- If you ever tax your brain, don't
charge more than a penny.
- If you give him a penny for his
thoughts, you get change back.
- If you had another brain like the one you've
got, you'd still be a half-wit.
- If you stand close enough to him, you
can hear the ocean.
- If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie
- If you were twice as smart, you'd still be
- If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an
- Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is
- I'll never forget the first time we met
- although I'll keep trying.
- I'm blonde, what's your
- I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other
- I'm glad to see you're not letting your
education get in the way of your ignorance.
- I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head
- I'm not as dumb as you
- In the land of the witless, the half-wit is
- Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow
- Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?
- It's hard to get the big picture when you
have such a small screen.
- I've come across decomposed bodies that are
less offensive than you are.
- I've had many cases of love that were just
infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real
- I've hated your looks from the start they gave
- I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on
- I've seen people like you, but I had to pay
- Judging by the old saying, "What you don't
know can't hurt you," he's practically
- Keep talking, someday you'll say something
- Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth
- Let's play horse. I'll be the front
end and you be yourself.
- Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam
- Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a
palmist; I know you've got a palm.
- Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're
out of paper!
- Make somebody happy. Mind your own
- The closest she/he'll ever get to a
brainstorm is a slight drizzle.
- The cream rises to the top. So does the
- The going got weird and he turned
- The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your
- The next time you shave, could you stand a
little closer to the razor?
- The only thing he brought to this job was his
- The overwhelming power of the sex drive was
demonstrated by the fact
that someone was willing
to father you.
- The thing that terrifies me the most is
that someone might hate me as
much as I loathe
- The twinkle in his eyes is actually the
sun shining between his ears.
- The wheel is still spinning but the hamster
- There are only two things I dislike
about her - her face.
- There are several people in this world that
I find obnoxious and you are
all of them.
- There is no vaccine against
- They just invented a new coffin just for you
that goes over the head. It's
for people who are
dead from the neck up.
- They say opposites attract. I hope you
meet someone who is
good-looking, intelligent, and
- They say space is a dangerous place . . .
especially if it's between your
- They say that travel broadens one. You
must have been around the
- They say that two heads are better than
one. In your case, one would
have been better than
- They say truth is stranger than fiction.
Look, your mother gave birth to
- They shot him through the stupid forest,
and he didn't miss a tree.
- Thinking isn't your strong suit, is it?
--from "Lost In Space"
- This is no battle of wits between you and
me. I never pick on an
- Too bad stupidity isn't
- We all spring from apes but you didn't
spring far enough.
- We do not complain about your shortcomings
but about your long
- We heard that when you ran away from home
your folks sent you a
note saying, "Do not come
home and all will be forgiven."
- We know that you would give your life for
us. Promises, promises!
- We know that you would go to the end of the
world for us. But would
you stay there?
- We know you could not live without us.
We'll pay for the funeral.
- We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm
- Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too
- What he lacks in intelligence, he more than
makes up for in stupidity.
- Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear
and out the other because nothing is blocking